Home Is Not a Place
by Bob The Other Zombie
Summary: Sometimes, forgiveness didn't happen right away. Sometimes, things took time. Scanlan knew this. He'd also never been known for his patience. He was trying to give Pike her space, though, he really was. He knew she had every right to still be mad, even after a week of traveling with him again. And then fate- or rather, Keyleth- intervened. (Critical Role fic, loosely Pikelan.)


Scanlan had been back with Vox Machina for a week, and Pike still hadn't forgiven him.

He knew he didn't deserve her forgiveness. Her face when he left, frozen in speechless shock, haunted him for months afterwards. And in the many talks with Kaylie, there had been some moments with Pike that he couldn't bring himself to mention. Like that night, after the disastrous proposal, when she'd almost said she'd felt the same way-

It wasn't worth thinking about. He would have to learn to live with the consequences of the mistakes he'd made. Wasn't that his life nowadays?

Still, getting the cold shoulder from a cleric of Sarenrae hurt. If he sat down in her vicinity during a meal, she would move, or immediately strike up a conversation with someone else. If Scanlan made a comment to the group, Pike either wouldn't acknowledge him, or responded with the kind of tone she reserved for their worst enemies. In fights, she healed him with as little eye contact as she could spare. And she wasn't getting any kinder. Grog terrified Scanlan at first, but, by the time they left Ank'harel, Scanlan had apologized and Grog had decked him, so they at least were on speaking terms now, if nothing friendlier. Percy was still icy, but he was icily polite, and Scanlan suspected Vex was talking him down from his anger.

Pike, however, hadn't softened an inch. After their first conversation in Whitestone, Scanlan had tried to approach her a few times. Between her anger and the lack of privacy, though, he hadn't made much progress. He could tell the rest of the group was feeling the tension- he caught the twins whispering with Pike on several occasions- but he knew forcing another conversation would only make it worse.

As it turned out, the gods had other plans.

"...so that leaves Scanlan and Pike with fourth watch." Keyleth said. The group was preparing for sleep in the middle of the woods, after a rough day. Pike and Grog had been steadfastly refusing to set foot in the mansion, and the rest of the team wanted to stick together, so Vox Machina was spending the night the way they used to, in their bedrolls around a fire.

Scanlan straightened at the sound of his name. He looked over at Pike, but she was carefully cleaning a bloodstain off of her breastplate.

"Kiki, I don't know if that's a good idea..." Vax began, putting a hand on the redhead's shoulder.

Scanlan glanced around for help. Of course Keyleth hadn't brought it up until Grog and Lionel were already well on their way to passed out. Vex and Percy weren't paying attention, either, instead deep in conversation by their bedrolls.

"No, I mean, it's not, I wasn't trying to, it's just, I realized they're the only ones left." Keyleth gestured between the two gnomes. "You and I have first watch, Lionel and Percy have second, Vex and Grog have third, it's the way it worked out."

Scanlan eyed Pike. She seemed to have found a particularly tough spot of blood on her armor. "Listen, this is silly." he said. "I don't have the energy left for it tonight, but tomorrow, let me set up the mansion so we won't need watches-"

"No." Pike's voice was calm, but cold.

Vax and Keyleth traded glances. "I can switch with you, Pickle." Vax said gently. "You and Keyleth can take first, you can keep working on that armor."

Scanlan's shoulders sagged with an unpleasant mix of relief and disappointment.

"No, it's alright." Pike said. "That's the way it worked out, that's the way it can be. He and I will take fourth watch."

"You sure?" Keyleth asked.

Pike nodded. "Good night, Vax, Keyleth." She picked up her armor and rag and crossed to where Grog was sprawled on the ground.

Scanlan looked up at Vax and Keyleth. "Well, you heard the lady. That's the way it worked out." He wished he had half the confidence he was projecting.

"Are you sure you'll be all right?" Vax asked.

Scanlan stood and stretched. "Oh, you know me, when have I ever not been all right?" He winced. "Sorry, old habits. I'll be fine."

Vax and Keyleth were still frowning, so Scanlan left them to go set up his bedroll by Lionel. As he pulled off his boots and hat and set them carefully on top of his pack, he noticed his hands were trembling. He clenched them into fists.

It would be all right. Just over an hour of awkward silence with a wonderful woman who hated his guts. Nothing more, nothing less.

* * *

Scanlan was awoken from a restless sleep by someone shaking his shoulder. He squinted, groaning. "Kaylie? What is it?"

"Not Kaylie." whispered Vex. It took a moment for Scanlan to remember why not Kaylie, and then another to remember why Vex, and he sat up, blinking, as what he was waking up to came flooding back.

Across the clearing, in the moonlight, Scanlan could make out Grog silently waking Pike. Vex patted him on the shoulder encouragingly before crossing towards Percy's sleeping form. Scanlan carefully pulled on his boots, and then dug in his pack for a warmer outer layer. He assured himself he wasn't stalling. He just hadn't realized how chilly the night was, that was all.

By the time he was dressed, Grog and Vex were both at their bedrolls, and Pike was seated at the fire. Her hands were clasped in her lap, mace by her side, and she stared into the dying embers as though they were an unfamiliar spell scroll.

Scanlan wound his robe more tightly around him and sat down across from her. Around them, the forest was alive with noise, of owls calling, insects buzzing, the rustling of Vex and Grog getting settled, the occasional creak of small beasts making their way through the woods. Pike's silence, however, was deafening.

He dared a glance up at Pike to find her looking at him. When he met her gaze, her mouth twisted. She plucked a twig from the ground and tossed it into the remains of the fire.

Scanlan made a tutting noise in the back of his throat. "Does Sarenrae approve of you killing twigs like that?" he whispered.

Pike picked up another twig and threw it after the first one. Briefly, it glowed bright orange, and then shriveled into nothingness. "I think she understands just fine." Pike's voice was devoid of emotion.

Scanlan shifted uncomfortably. "Pike, I'm sorry."

"I feel like we've had this conversation." Another twig, another flare of orange, another husk on top of the coals. "More than once."

Scanlan leaned forward, lowering his voice. "I know I need to give you time. But I miss you. I felt like we were finally starting to be...well, actual friends right before I-"

Something uncharacteristically bitter flickered in Pike's eyes as she watched the twigs burn. "I don't want to talk about it, Scanlan. You're right, I need time. Let's just do our job."

"All right." Scanlan said, leaning back. "We'll watch."

They spent another several minutes in silence, not talking, not looking at each other, just listening. Once or twice, Pike's hand went to the Sarenrae symbol around her neck, but otherwise, she was as still as a statue. As the time dragged on, Scanlan began fidgeting, itching for some music or noise to drown out the silence between them.

His wishes were granted when he heard a loud crash in the woods. He stood immediately, looking in the direction of the commotion, but he couldn't see beyond the tightly clustered trees.

Scanlan glanced over at Pike. She was also standing, mace in hand, looking back at him.

"Oh, no, no, don't get up." Scanlan waved a hand. "I'll go see what it is. Probably an animal." Besides, she clearly could use a break from him.

Pike, however, bit her lip. "You haven't rested enough to get your magic back. I can go."

Scanlan grinned and put his hand on the sword sheathed on his belt. "It'll be fine. I have this, remember? It's killed a pit fiend."

Pike shook her head. "No, I should go, I'm better with my mace than you are with that sword."

Scanlan stepped in her path as she began walking. "You're out of spells, too."

"I've got more armor."

Her calm, detached tone enraged him more than if she'd shouted. "And every creature around can hear you coming from a mile away!"

Pike's eyes narrowed, and Scanlan knew he'd gone too far. "I don't need you protecting me." she hissed. "I thought you were past that."

"I'm not trying to protect you, I'm-"

Pike pushed past him, armor clanking. "I'm going."

"Fine." Scanlan whispered, hurrying after her. "Then I'm coming, too."

Pike stopped, and for a moment, Scanlan really thought she might hit him. Instead, she took a deep breath, and kept walking into the woods. Scanlan followed, nervously glancing at the sleeping forms behind them. Then, he heard another loud crash. Both gnomes flinched and met each other's eyes.

Pike tilted her head to indicate the direction the noise had come from, and Scanlan nodded. He took the lead, trying to avoid areas with lots of dead leaves or roots to trip over. At one point, Scanlan had to scramble over a tricky set of rocks, and he reached a hand down to Pike to help her up.

Pike gave him a dirty look. "I'm fine."

"Pike-" Scanlan began, but Pike clambered up the rocks, armor screeching and clanking as it collided with the stones. She reached the top, brushing herself off, and kept walking.

Scanlan followed her. "We should go back. It probably heard that and ran off."

"You can if you want. I'm investigating." Pike whispered.

"Come on, Pike- Pike!" One moment, Pike was walking ahead of him, and the next, she was falling into the ground as the world collapsed around her. Scanlan grabbed for her arm, trying to pull her back, but her weight was too much and he tumbled after her into thin air. After several seconds, Scanlan landed with a tooth-vibrating thud on solid ground. He rolled onto his back, coughing and groaning. "Pike? Are you all right?"

Pike sat up a few feet away, blood streaming down her face. She touched one glowing hand to her nose, and it slowly shifted back into position. As Pike met his eyes, Scanlan looked away, and struggled to a sitting position, wincing with pain.

"Here, let me." Pike said, crossing to him. "I have a few lower level healing spells left." She placed both hands lightly on his chest, and the symbol around her neck glowed with Sarenrae's light.

"Thank you." Scanlan said when she was finished. "Really-"

Pike let go of him, turning away to examine the space around them. They'd landed in some sort of pit, with walls taller than Grog. "Do you have Dimension Door?"

"Not yet." Scanlan stood wearily. "I'm still drained."

Pike nodded. "Go on the earring, wake one of the others up."

Scanlan reached up for his earring, but his fingers found only flesh. His heart sank. "I think the impact knocked it out. Can you call them while I look for it?"

"No."

Scanlan, who had already crouched to search, looked up at her in surprise. Pike was still staring at the rim of the pit, arms were crossed over her chest. "The earring is in my pack. So that is the situation."

Scanlan straightened. "Pike, I know you're upset, but what if you'd needed it during the fight today?"

"I would've put it back on." Pike tugged on a root on the side of the pit, testing its strength. It snapped off in her grip.

"And it's not just that." Scanlan said. "Why are we out in the open like this? If we just used the mansion-"

"I'm not going back in there." Pike said calmly.

"I know, but we wouldn't even be on watch right now, you could be in your room ignoring me-"

Pike turned around. "My room? Isn't that the one connected to your room?"

Scanlan faltered. "I honestly am sorry. For the way that I treated you back then." Pike's gaze didn't waver. "I'll find the earring." Pike still didn't look away, and Scanlan held her eyes, waiting.

Pike folded her arms, looking down at the ground. "Just find the earring."

"Pike..."

"I'm not going back to your mansion!" Pike burst out. "I'm not going back where we had that cannonball contest, and all those breakfasts, and you gave me that letter, like everything is normal-" Her voice was rising, dangerously close to breaking.

Scanlan took a step towards her, and she backed away. He licked his lips. "I am sorry for what I said about your magic. It was uncalled for."

Pike shook her head. "We've had this talk already."

Scanlan spread his arms. "I- I don't know what you want me to do! I'm trying my best-"

"So I'm just supposed to forgive you, just like that?" Pike said, looking back up at him. "Because I'm a cleric of Sarenrae, and always forgave you before?"

"I...that's not what I want!" Scanlan said. "I know you don't have to forgive me, I just want a little...mercy, I don't know. Wear the earring, and use the mansion, for everyone's safety."

Pike took another deep breath before she spoke. "It just seems to me that maybe you didn't particularly care what we wanted when you disappeared for a year. I understand your reasons, I know why you had to be with Kaylie, but you didn't have to say such cruel things to us. We would have understood." Scanlan opened his mouth, and Pike held up a hand. "And you didn't have to leave us without any word of how you were doing, or where you were. Do you know how worried we all were about you? How much we tried to find you? What if something had happened, what if you had died again and I wasn't there to revive you?"

"I- I'm sorry." Scanlan said. "You had the stone."

"You didn't want us scrying on you." Pike said. "We didn't want to invade your privacy, just wanted to know you were alive. And then you turned up again, in disguise, with no warning, and no intention of letting us know- you tried to tell us you were _in prison_ -"

"I know what I did was wrong." Scanlan said, taking another step towards her. "I- I know I said horrible things, but Kaylie-"

Pike stood her ground this time, eyes hard. "No, you don't know, Scanlan. I saw you dead, twice. And the second time, in Raishan's cave, when I couldn't revive you, I thought you'd decided not to come back. And then we lost you all over again."

Scanlan shifted his weight from foot to foot. Kaylie had told him, late one night, about how upset Vex had been when she found her, and how desperate they'd all been during the ritual, but the story was worse coming from Pike.

"And then you tell me in Whitestone about how nice it was to have someone who was rooting for you last year." Pike's fists clenched. "We were all rooting for you. We cared about you so much. Grog was so upset when you died, we all were. We didn't celebrate Raishan's defeat until we'd revived you, we were too worried."

"I'm sorry, you know I wasn't thinking clearly back then. And when I woke up-"

"And I cared about you!" Pike snapped, stepping forward. "I care about you so fucking much, Scanlan Shorthalt. I used to try and talk to you on the earring, you know, while you were gone, every night, even though I knew you wouldn't hear me. And if you had died, I would've looked after Kaylie for you, you know I would have."

"I- I know." Scanlan took a small step back.

"No, you didn't." Pike said, stepping forward again. "Because you thought, because of a stupid prank we pulled, that we didn't care about you, that I didn't- didn't care, didn't-" She broke off, turning away. Her voice had gotten thick.

"It wasn't just because of the prank." Scanlan began carefully.

"That's not the point." Pike said quietly. She turned back, meeting his eyes, a glint of wetness on her cheek. "The point is that I loved you and you left for a year without say goodbye."

For a long moment, the only noise was the forest around them. Pike was the first to break eye contact, pointing behind Scanlan. "And your earring's over there, on the ground."

Scanlan's thoughts seemed to have halted completely, like a spell fizzling in its casting. "You-"

Pike pushed past him, picking up the earring. She handed it to him without meeting his eyes. "Get Vex, she can bring the broom."

Scanlan didn't move. "Pike..."

"I don't want to talk about it." Pike dropped her arm, taking a step back.

"I had no idea, Pike." Memories from those last few weeks came flooding back, of Pike's face when she revived him in Thordak's lair, of her solemn promise to raise Kaylie for him, her contribution to his ritual, of their confused conversation in the hallway in his mansion, and no wonder she didn't want to to go back there anymore-

"Well, now you do." Pike's expression was a bit too casual, her voice a bit too close to her usual cheerful tone. "It's what you always wanted, wasn't it?"

"No, Pike." Scanlan stepped forward, and faltered, staring at Pike. Words seemed to have left him completely.

After a long moment, Pike threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly. Carefully, Scanlan hugged her back. Underneath her armor, she was shaking.

"I missed you." Pike whispered. "I missed you so much."

"I know, I'm so sorry." Scanlan closed his eyes. "I missed you, too, I really, really did."

They stood like that for a long time, Pike's armor digging into Scanlan's chin. When Pike pulled away, she was sniffling. She wiped a hand across her face. "I'm sorry, too."

Scanlan shook his head. "You've already apologized, remember?" He placed the earring back in, still staring at her, but Pike just gestured towards his ear. Scanlan cleared his throat. "Vex, Vex, can you hear me? Pike and I are in a bit of a situation right now..."

* * *

The next morning, Scanlan woke up late. He spent the standard few minutes packing up before crossing to the fire, where most of Vox Machina was chewing on their breakfast. Scanlan hesitated. He still felt a bit of trepidation joining them at mealtimes, even after several days.

"Morning." Grog rumbled.

Scanlan glanced at him, surprised. "Uh...good morning, all."

"Sit down, Scanman." said Vax, patting the empty area next to him and Keyleth. "You don't have to do this every morning."

"Well, thank you." Scanlan said, gingerly taking a seat. He glanced around the circle, at Vex sitting with her arm draped behind Percy, at Lionel inhaling his breakfast, at Grog staring into the fire, at Keyleth and Vax talking quietly beside him. For the first time since he'd rejoined them, things almost felt normal.

After a few minutes of idle chatter, including Vex recounting the tale of saving Pike and Scanlan from a pit, Scanlan spotted Pike by her bedroll, pulling on her armor over her clothes. He looked down at his food, last night's emotions flooding through him all over again.

"Good morning, everyone. Good morning, Scanlan." Scanlan heard the creak of armor as Pike sat down next to him, pulling out her bowl.

In the ensuing silence, Scanlan chanced a smile. "You're looking lovely as always this morning, Pike." he said, and winced. "Sorry, sorry. In a friendly way."

Pike didn't scowl, or sigh, or walk away. Instead, she smiled back as she began to prepare her breakfast. "Thank you."

Scanlan grinned, relief washing over him, and turned to the rest of the group. "Well, we never figured out what made that loud noise last night, but it was probably scared off when it heard two fierce warriors coming after it."

"We should look into that." Keyleth said. "Also into why there's traps around here, it might mean we're close-"

Vex snorted. "Hold on, sorry, fierce warriors? Who woke us all up last night because they got stuck in a simple pit trap?"

Scanlan raised a finger. "Yes, that might have happened, but I think the important thing here is how brave we both were."

"Write a song about it." Percy said dryly.

"Maybe I will." Scanlan dug into his breakfast, unable to wipe the smile off of his face.

"Are you two talking again?" Grog said. Scanlan looked up- Grog was staring at Pike. "Are you not mad at him anymore?"

Pike took a careful bite before shrugging. "I wouldn't say that. I guess epic adventures like last night make a great bonding experience."

Vax chuckled. "That's the secret to making friends right there. Just go kill things together."

"Worked for us." Keyleth said, bumping him with her shoulder.

"Is that it?" Lionel asked with no trace of irony. "I just have to kill things, and then I'll have a lot of friends?"

As Keyleth explained sarcasm to Lionel, a nod passed between Grog and Pike, and then Scanlan noticed something glinting in Pike's bright hair- her earring, back in her ear again.

Scanlan cleared his throat, feeling relieved all over again. "So, Pike, for this song, I was thinking we could make it a duet, you know, work out some harmonies-"

"Don't push your luck." said Pike, but she was smiling, and at that moment, Scanlan couldn't think of another thing in the world he needed.


End file.
